Monday, August 13, 2012

That's How I Want to Live

Can I be candid with you? I am so tired of being tired. I am so sick of being sick. I'm 12 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I am THRILLED beyond measure about this blessing inside me. Really and truly. I am just ready for a break. I have a few good days thrown in with mostly bad days. It's depressing, this day after day feeling of yuck. I felt great this morning when I got up. I even walked a mile. We did school and both Luke and Eli were very attentive. Shortly after lunch though it hit, that terrible taste in my mouth. That heavy feeling in my stomach. That "I must go lay down" exhaustion. When that hits, I don't want to do anything but just that: lay down. And so I lay and I think about the mound of laundry on the couch and the pile of dishes in the sink. I think about how I've been so lax with the boys that their play room hasn't been cleaned or their beds made in weeks. I think about how I've made a handful of real meals in the past 2 months and my kids have eaten way more junk than I typically allow. Add I'm thinking, how is all of this going to get packed away? And I've had sweet friends & family offer to help. And I appreciate it. But I can't let you see my mess. The mess that is my house and the mess that reveals this mess, the biggest mess: me.

And so, I want to hide under my sheets and cry.

But then I read this. And this rocks me. Read it, friend. It's worth every second.

".... because the good God is everywhere and provides for everything with love."

And so, I'm trying to pray in the midst of it all. Asking Him to help me live in light of His sacrifice and the great gift I've been given. And it's a battle because I fight myself. Because I relate to what Ann says, "I’ve been apathetic about grace and casual about Christ and you can lose your First Love faster than you can lose the 100 meter dash." And my sick and tired is not fighting to avoid death, like some dear people I know, but waiting for life. A sweet, new life. I am so thankful.

"One died for me that I might breathe this breath…

It’s all a gift."

It is all a gift. So, my prayer is to live that way.


Unknown said...

I am so sorry you are feeling ill! I went through a serious depression during my first trimester with my fourth baby. The "yuck" will pass. I am so happy you found a rock to hold onto until it does!