Tuesday, July 21, 2009

This is where I am now...

As we begin to move furniture into the house this week, my mind has taken me back to all that has happened over the past almost nine months. Not that our circumstances haven't always been on my mind but maybe this week they've seemed to be more magnified. I've thought of all that we've been through.. all that has taken place. The good and the bad... and even the ugly.

I think back to that day that the Hubs was fired. I remember everything about that moment. I was washing my face. Eli was sleeping. Luke was playing in the den. The Hubs was wearing a green sweater. Our life as we knew it crumbled. I know that there are greater things that could have impacted us with greater sorrow. But loss of job, income, home, friends, trust all in the same moment is pretty significant.

Last night the Hubs and I spent the evening vacuuming & wiping out cabinets and putting Eli's crib together that he hasn't slept in... ever. On our way back to my parents to get the kids in bed the Hubs asked me if I ever thought about what our lives would be like if we were still there.. if nothing had ever happened. And to be honest I hadn't really thought about it. I pretty much just told him that things would still be as they were in December.. we'd just be in a different season and the kids would be older. Then he told me something that broke my heart. He said, "I really miss preaching." I know he does... And I miss hearing him preach. That is the thing {one of the only} I miss the most. Publix would be a very close second... just kidding. Tears welled in my eyes as we drove the rest of the way home. My heart hurts for my husband.

I'll be brutally honest. I still deal with bitterness and great frustration when I think of the details of the whole ordeal. I pray that God will deliver me from it and I know He will one day. I don't regret anything that we did or have done after the fact. Every letter we wrote or phone call we made was done with prayer and counsel from those whom we respect. I just wanted to state that mainly because there are often times when you look back on your actions and regret doing things in haste or as a result of emotion.

I'm not sure I will ever understand why God allowed it to happen. I know that it was for His glory. And I pray that through these past months and forevermore we will live our lives completely for His glory. I guess I'm saying that I will never understand why it had to happen the way it happened. It was tough and our lives are still marked by what happened emotionally and financially. I'm still so baffled at how we were treated both directly and indirectly. No one has yet, nor can I ever imagine anyone ever giving me a reason that makes sense. And I am a pretty sensible person. All in all what I've determined is that God's plan was for Robby to lose his job but the terms of the ordeal couldn't possibly have been ordained by Him. I just can't line those things up with His Word. I'm trying to be delicate about details but still trying to make my point. As I've said before, I don't mind sharing details because the truth is the truth but not publicly.

What I do know is that God has been faithful. If I can get anything across through this it would be: He is faithful. He blessed us with family to take care of us. He blessed us with an amazing church that is biblically sound & has a pastor with the backbone (or maybe just the fear of the Lord) to preach the true gospel message. He has graciously blessed the Hubs with his old job and that alone is a miracle straight from His hands. He has taken the old details of our life and made them new. They may not seem better by the world's standards but they are His plans. And His plans are always better, no matter what they entail. Admittedly, I am anxious about the future. Things are going to be different for our family but He will take care of us. I am clinging to His promises.

"Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12:26b-31


Molly Flanagan said...

what a trial! reading this brought 1 Peter 3 to mind:

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5 who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9 obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Aimee said...

He is ALWAYS faithful. And He always seeks to bring Glory to His name.