He knew. And He is so beautiful. {My Miscarriage Story}

I've been wanting to sit down and write this post for a week or so but I just haven't had time. I want to share my feelings for many reasons and one of them is because I've had several people ask me how I'm doing. So, I guess the best place to start is in the beginning.

Robby and I found out that we were expecting our third baby a little over a month ago. We were surprised, but excited! We had planned on starting to try for baby #3 after the first of the year but were pleasantly surprised to be pregnant a few months earlier! About a week after we found out, I started having some problems. I don't know anyway to explain it, but I had a deep feeling that things weren't right. I called the Dr about the problems and they told me to 'take it easy' and call if things got worse. So, I took it easy and things actually got better for a day or two. I tried to shake the uneasy feeling but two days later I started bleeding again.

That day (Nov 17th) actually started unusual. I woke up around 6:30am to find my husband still in the bed with me. I asked him if he was going to work.. and if not, then why? He never just stays home to stay home. He said that he just decided to take a day and hang out with me and the boys. So, since things had gotten better we decided to take a trip to look at Christmas trees with the boys. We were all going stir crazy! The Hub's mom was going to get us a new tree for Christmas and we were trying to decide on what we wanted. So, we spent about 2 hours looking at new trees and decided to eat lunch on our way home and just get the first one I had liked... at WalMart! At lunch is when my problems started again. I decided that when I got home I would call my Dr back. The Hubs had already talked to his mom and planned on meeting her at WalMart, so I just had him drop me off at home. He and the boys met her there, while I talked to the nurse. The NP said I could come in right then and have a sonogram. My first apt wasn't for a week later. I called the Hubs and they were checking out. We only live 5 min from WalMart so they were home quick and thankfully my mother-in-law was there to keep the boys. Coincidence?

So, to make a long story short we made it to the Dr and I was taken back pretty quickly. I prayed the whole time that God would just give me a peace no matter what. I found myself that day and even the days prior wanting to just know... so I could move on. I really think I already knew. I just wanted to know for sure. I was suppose to be 7 weeks and 2 days. So, she started the sonogram and I immediately knew something was wrong. There was nothing there, only a sac. At 7+ weeks there should be a baby and a heartbeat. And while some people may be off on their dates, I wasn't. I got a positive pregnancy test on October 26, over 3 weeks before this sonogram. There is no way it was too early to see a heartbeat. So, my Dr gave me the options to think it over and decide what I wanted to do. I decided to wait and have blood work over the course of a few days. Because, although I knew, I wanted the numbers to prove the feeling I had, 100%. My blood work showed numbers that matched the supposed gestation of the baby... meaning the hCG levels showed a 7-8 week pregnancy, but the sonogram only showed a sac measuring around 5 weeks. That was my confirmation although, like I said, I already knew in my heart.

I got home and did research about what my type of miscarriage meant. Was I ever pregnant? Was there a baby? I needed to know these answers. Yes, there was a baby. My baby was just too small to be seen on sonor. A fertilized egg implants but the embryo stops developing very early.

I chose to miscarry naturally. I actually prayed that if it was His will, He would allow me to do so before I had to have more blood work on Monday and He did. The actual miscarriage happened Sunday, Nov 21. It was difficult, emotionally and physically. But I think the physical part was good for me. It was hard but it was healing. I'm still having blood work waiting on my numbers to go all the way down. Hopefully today was the last one. It can take a few weeks if you miscarry naturally.

My heart was broken. But God gave me such peace. It really is unexplainable. His peace truly does surpass all understanding (Phil. 4:7). When family asked how I was, I told them that I was okay. And I was. He was with me. He has ordained all of my days and has promised to never leave me. He knew my husband needed to be with me. He knew my mother-in-law needed to be near. He knew. And He is so beautiful. What a wonderful God! I praise Him for being so near and being so involved in the details of my life! He is so good!! I know where my baby is. No, he or she is not sitting on a white cloud with wings. My baby is in the prescense of Jehovah! And that is comfort in itself!

I want to share a little bit about Luke and how he handled it, but I'll have to do that later! I do want to thank those of you who have prayed for us during this time! We are so thankful and appreciative!

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
for his steadfast love endures forever!" Psalm 118:29

This is where I am now...

As we begin to move furniture into the house this week, my mind has taken me back to all that has happened over the past almost nine months. Not that our circumstances haven't always been on my mind but maybe this week they've seemed to be more magnified. I've thought of all that we've been through.. all that has taken place. The good and the bad... and even the ugly.

I think back to that day that the Hubs was fired. I remember everything about that moment. I was washing my face. Eli was sleeping. Luke was playing in the den. The Hubs was wearing a green sweater. Our life as we knew it crumbled. I know that there are greater things that could have impacted us with greater sorrow. But loss of job, income, home, friends, trust all in the same moment is pretty significant.

Last night the Hubs and I spent the evening vacuuming & wiping out cabinets and putting Eli's crib together that he hasn't slept in... ever. On our way back to my parents to get the kids in bed the Hubs asked me if I ever thought about what our lives would be like if we were still there.. if nothing had ever happened. And to be honest I hadn't really thought about it. I pretty much just told him that things would still be as they were in December.. we'd just be in a different season and the kids would be older. Then he told me something that broke my heart. He said, "I really miss preaching." I know he does... And I miss hearing him preach. That is the thing {one of the only} I miss the most. Publix would be a very close second... just kidding. Tears welled in my eyes as we drove the rest of the way home. My heart hurts for my husband.

I'll be brutally honest. I still deal with bitterness and great frustration when I think of the details of the whole ordeal. I pray that God will deliver me from it and I know He will one day. I don't regret anything that we did or have done after the fact. Every letter we wrote or phone call we made was done with prayer and counsel from those whom we respect. I just wanted to state that mainly because there are often times when you look back on your actions and regret doing things in haste or as a result of emotion.

I'm not sure I will ever understand why God allowed it to happen. I know that it was for His glory. And I pray that through these past months and forevermore we will live our lives completely for His glory. I guess I'm saying that I will never understand why it had to happen the way it happened. It was tough and our lives are still marked by what happened emotionally and financially. I'm still so baffled at how we were treated both directly and indirectly. No one has yet, nor can I ever imagine anyone ever giving me a reason that makes sense. And I am a pretty sensible person. All in all what I've determined is that God's plan was for Robby to lose his job but the terms of the ordeal couldn't possibly have been ordained by Him. I just can't line those things up with His Word. I'm trying to be delicate about details but still trying to make my point. As I've said before, I don't mind sharing details because the truth is the truth but not publicly.

What I do know is that God has been faithful. If I can get anything across through this it would be: He is faithful. He blessed us with family to take care of us. He blessed us with an amazing church that is biblically sound & has a pastor with the backbone (or maybe just the fear of the Lord) to preach the true gospel message. He has graciously blessed the Hubs with his old job and that alone is a miracle straight from His hands. He has taken the old details of our life and made them new. They may not seem better by the world's standards but they are His plans. And His plans are always better, no matter what they entail. Admittedly, I am anxious about the future. Things are going to be different for our family but He will take care of us. I am clinging to His promises.


"Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12:26b-31

The Move

In a post a few weeks ago I mentioned that we are getting ready to move soon! I can't tell you how excited I am!! Let me share a little of how this came about.

The Hubs and I have both been praying about moving over the past almost three months (since we found out about his new job). We knew that the only way we could afford anything would be for God to provide it. After crunching the numbers we knew that buying a home wasn't an option right now. So, we prayed.. that God would provide. Well, my dad co-owns two rental houses. One with his brother and cousin and one with just his brother. They are right next door to each other (one was my granddaddy's and one was my great grandmothers) About 3 months ago my dad mentioned to me that my great grandmother's house was available if we wanted it. The Hubs and I talked about it... prayed about it... and after about 2 weeks we decided we'd move in there. It's a small house: two bedrooms, one bath, washing machine in the kitchen and dryer on the back porch kind of house, but it was certainly doable. I love the house just because I have great memories there. Not only was it my great grandmothers house where I spent a lot of time growing up but it was the Hubs and my very first house. We lived there nine months before we bought our first home. I had to really pray through the space issues that I was already having before moving in!! Two bedrooms!! Two boys!! Oh my! I knew it would be an adjustment but it would totally work out! I was just thankful that we had a place to move to! It's definitely getting time to move out. My sweet little boy asks us periodically when we're going home. I'm sure most people would think that he didn't remember or even after all of this time he would have forgotten but he hasn't. He still asks when we're going home and even if I tell him this is our home now, he knows better. He reminds me that this is Mimi and Granddaddy's home... not ours. We did start telling him that we wouldn't be going back to our old home but to a new home. So he often asks when he's getting a new house, so then he can get all of his other toys (surprisingly, he knows that he has 'other toys' that are missing, which are stored away in storage). Sigh... where was I?? OH, yeah. So, we had to go to storage one day to get something and we decided that since my dad was at the rental house we would go on and take something over there. Might as well since we're here, was our thought. So the Hubs, packed up Eli's changing table in the back of the van and off we went. Well, after moving the changing table in, it was time for Eli to eat and nap so we headed home and the Hubs was going to wait on my dad and go back to storage to get some heavier stuff. So, I sat upstairs feeding Eli and here comes the Hubs barging in, turning on the lights. At first I thought, what in the world are you doing?? Then he handed me a letter. It was a letter stating that the people in the other rental were going to be moving out and June would be their last month. We both just kind of looked at each other and then the Hubs asked, "So, do you want that house??" Um, YES! So, after he left and I sat there in the dark, feeding my sleepy little boy, I couldn't help but cry tears of thankfulness. This 'other' rental house is a three bedroom, two bath house. And although the other would have been perfectly fine, God decided to give us better. God has been so faithful to us. Throughout this whole yucky ordeal God has been faithful. His hand has been there. I can look back and see it. Things have not been perfect. Things are not going to be perfect. God's children are never promised that. In fact we're actually promised the opposite when we follow Him. I knew He would be faithful to us.. and He has been.

So, Sunday after church, we drove by and looked at the house and told Luke that would be his new home. He was so excited. We even drove by after church that night too and noticed a tree down behind the smaller house so we pulled in the driveway. Without saying anything Luke exclaimed, "That's my new house!!" That brought me so much joy. My baby is getting a new house! And he is so happy! Since the Hubs has several days off in a row this coming week we'll be doing a good bit of cleaning. We hope to move in slowly so that we can do a lot of 'getting rid of'! I don't want to bring junk! We wanted to get out so quickly before that we didn't really pack well. So, I want to go through boxes slowly. We plan on being in the house August 1st. I can't wait. There are so many things that you take for granted when you have your own place.. more on that later..


"God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." 1 Corinthians 1:9