He knew. And He is so beautiful. {My Miscarriage Story}

I've been wanting to sit down and write this post for a week or so but I just haven't had time. I want to share my feelings for many reasons and one of them is because I've had several people ask me how I'm doing. So, I guess the best place to start is in the beginning.

Robby and I found out that we were expecting our third baby a little over a month ago. We were surprised, but excited! We had planned on starting to try for baby #3 after the first of the year but were pleasantly surprised to be pregnant a few months earlier! About a week after we found out, I started having some problems. I don't know anyway to explain it, but I had a deep feeling that things weren't right. I called the Dr about the problems and they told me to 'take it easy' and call if things got worse. So, I took it easy and things actually got better for a day or two. I tried to shake the uneasy feeling but two days later I started bleeding again.

That day (Nov 17th) actually started unusual. I woke up around 6:30am to find my husband still in the bed with me. I asked him if he was going to work.. and if not, then why? He never just stays home to stay home. He said that he just decided to take a day and hang out with me and the boys. So, since things had gotten better we decided to take a trip to look at Christmas trees with the boys. We were all going stir crazy! The Hub's mom was going to get us a new tree for Christmas and we were trying to decide on what we wanted. So, we spent about 2 hours looking at new trees and decided to eat lunch on our way home and just get the first one I had liked... at WalMart! At lunch is when my problems started again. I decided that when I got home I would call my Dr back. The Hubs had already talked to his mom and planned on meeting her at WalMart, so I just had him drop me off at home. He and the boys met her there, while I talked to the nurse. The NP said I could come in right then and have a sonogram. My first apt wasn't for a week later. I called the Hubs and they were checking out. We only live 5 min from WalMart so they were home quick and thankfully my mother-in-law was there to keep the boys. Coincidence?

So, to make a long story short we made it to the Dr and I was taken back pretty quickly. I prayed the whole time that God would just give me a peace no matter what. I found myself that day and even the days prior wanting to just know... so I could move on. I really think I already knew. I just wanted to know for sure. I was suppose to be 7 weeks and 2 days. So, she started the sonogram and I immediately knew something was wrong. There was nothing there, only a sac. At 7+ weeks there should be a baby and a heartbeat. And while some people may be off on their dates, I wasn't. I got a positive pregnancy test on October 26, over 3 weeks before this sonogram. There is no way it was too early to see a heartbeat. So, my Dr gave me the options to think it over and decide what I wanted to do. I decided to wait and have blood work over the course of a few days. Because, although I knew, I wanted the numbers to prove the feeling I had, 100%. My blood work showed numbers that matched the supposed gestation of the baby... meaning the hCG levels showed a 7-8 week pregnancy, but the sonogram only showed a sac measuring around 5 weeks. That was my confirmation although, like I said, I already knew in my heart.

I got home and did research about what my type of miscarriage meant. Was I ever pregnant? Was there a baby? I needed to know these answers. Yes, there was a baby. My baby was just too small to be seen on sonor. A fertilized egg implants but the embryo stops developing very early.

I chose to miscarry naturally. I actually prayed that if it was His will, He would allow me to do so before I had to have more blood work on Monday and He did. The actual miscarriage happened Sunday, Nov 21. It was difficult, emotionally and physically. But I think the physical part was good for me. It was hard but it was healing. I'm still having blood work waiting on my numbers to go all the way down. Hopefully today was the last one. It can take a few weeks if you miscarry naturally.

My heart was broken. But God gave me such peace. It really is unexplainable. His peace truly does surpass all understanding (Phil. 4:7). When family asked how I was, I told them that I was okay. And I was. He was with me. He has ordained all of my days and has promised to never leave me. He knew my husband needed to be with me. He knew my mother-in-law needed to be near. He knew. And He is so beautiful. What a wonderful God! I praise Him for being so near and being so involved in the details of my life! He is so good!! I know where my baby is. No, he or she is not sitting on a white cloud with wings. My baby is in the prescense of Jehovah! And that is comfort in itself!

I want to share a little bit about Luke and how he handled it, but I'll have to do that later! I do want to thank those of you who have prayed for us during this time! We are so thankful and appreciative!

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
for his steadfast love endures forever!" Psalm 118:29

It's a boy!

(This was written yesterday!)

Well, I'm not pregnant anymore! The Hubs told me last night that I needed to update my blog because I was still pregnant on it! I said, sure as soon as I have some time!!! Hahahaha!! And actually at this moment I am feeding my child, which I do very, very often! So, here is a short version of how Eli came into this world:





All day Thursday (8/28) I had contractions, although they weren't what you would consider "normal', or at least I didn't think so!! Thurs evening the Hubs and I went for a walk with Luke. Later around 11pm we decided to get some sleep. I had a feeling we'd be up sooner than later! Well, I couldn't sleep at all! The contractions were coming stronger and stronger and quicker and quicker! I got up around 12:30am and started timing them and they were right at 5-7 min apart. So, I started praying that God would let me know when it was time to leave. Well, 15 minutes later Luke woke up! And he NEVER wakes up in the middle of the night. I knew he was my sign! So, he laid in the bed with the Hubs while I showered and then he wanted to get up and watch Blue's Clues (I think he thought it was morning!). So, we let him watch a DVR'd episode while we got ready. The contractions started coming every 3-5 minutes but still weren't hurting me too much (I could still talk through most of them). Well, we decided to head to the hospital anyways because we live 45 minutes away. We called my mom and dad so they could pick up Luke and we got to the hospital around 1:50am. I was hooked up and checked and was dilated to a 6!!!!! I was sooo surprised. All of the nurses commended me at how well I was handling it. I went ahead and ordered the Epi since I was already so far along. By the time the dr got there (before the epi) I was dilated to an 8 & he broke my water.. this was around 3:30am. After the epi, everything slowed down slightly but I was complete by 5:45am. The Dr thought I had a really good chance at delivering and I was hopeful. But when I started pushing Eli's heart rate did the exact same thing that Luke's did. It dipped with the very first push and wouldn't recover without my complete rest plus oxygen. And even with rest/oxygen it didn't go up as high as they would like. They only allowed me to push with 3 contractions and then we decided that a c/s was best for him. I was upset for about a minute but then got over it! I was about to see my baby boy! So, we went to the OR and Elijah Chandler was born at 6:30am (on his due date!)! He weighed 7lbs and 12 oz and was 20 inches long! I am so glad though that I got to experience the other side of labor! I was amazed at what my body did, even though I didn't actually deliver him 'normally'. With Luke I never went through all of that because my water broke before any contractions and I had to be put on pitocin. This time I had no induction meds at all and labor was really fast! I'm glad that we left when we did! I really was thinking that when they checked me they'd tell me I was about a 3 or 4. We are both doing really well. Eli is nursing really well (and pooping and peeing lots) and I'm praying that bf'ing goes much better this time. It already is! It has been really hard but better than with Luke (which only lasted 3 weeks/I was already supplementing some though in the first week, but that's another story!)! Eli weighed 7lb, 2 oz when we discharged an was already up to 8 lbs & 3 oz yesterday! Luke is doing really great with having a new person in the house! He even called him his baby brother once which just melted my heart! And he loves to give him kisses on his forehead! I'm loving being a mommy to 2 little boys! I'm nervous about the Hubs going back to work next week but I am so thankful that he is close by! Having to hold Eli almost constantly, not being able to pick up Luke because of the c/s, and just having a toddler and a newborn at the same time scares me but I know we'll settle into a routine soon. I'm just praying that God will help me out. And speaking of helping out I must say how wonderful my hubby has been! I am beyond blessed to have him! He has been fantastic with Luke so that I can focus on nursing this little one. Words can't express how much I appreciate him!





Well, that's a short version of the birthing events & a little update! And here's a little peek at the new guy:

Fresh out of the oven:

Just 2 days old:


1 week old:

He's 2 weeks today so I need to get my camera out!! Well, duty calls! :)

Forgive me if this seems written hastily... it was!

Pregnancy Update

So, I am still pregnant!! My due date is actually tomorrow 8/29/08. I have made some progression though. My contractions are very irregular and not what you would consider normal real labor contractions. They are uncomfortable but not painful.

I had a Dr's appointment Tuesday and everything looks good. I did have to schedule a repeat c-section but I knew that was coming. I scheduled it for Wednesday, 9/3. I prayed and prayed about that situation and when I left I just felt a peace about it. I know that God is in control. And after I made the c/s decision, I knew that if I was going to go into labor on my own it was because God wanted me to. I've known that all along but after Tuesday's appointment God just gave me clear assurance and peace that it was all in His hands. It's one thing to know that.. and it's another to feel it. And I'm so thankful for His answering my prayers!

So, the crazy thing was that Wednesday morning I woke up with some obvious progression! I was quite surprised because it's something that I've never experienced. With Luke my water broke 3 days before his due date with no warning. I never felt the first contraction until I got to the hospital and was hooked up on induction meds. So, this is all very new to me even though I've given birth before. And now it's just a waiting game! I'm thankful that my body seems to be working on it's own to do what it's suppose to do. That has been one of my prayers...

And I am still fully aware that I could continue to progress, get to the hospital and still end up with a c-section. I'm just thankful that it looks like I'm going to be able to try for my VBAC. I've been praying Scripture for several days now. Here are a few that I've been praying:

Phil. 4:6-7 ~ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalm 56:3 ~ Whenever I am afraid; I will trust in You.

Psalm 34:4 ~ I sought the Lord and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears.

Isaiah 12:2a ~ Behold God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid.

Phil 4:13 ~ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

1 Peter 5:6-7 ~ Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

And these will be going with me to the hospital! Whatever day I end up going! :)

So.. 37 weeks... and I'm feeling...

Anxious! I seem to have a case of the butterflies! Every time I think about this little guy I get a case of the flutters in my tummy (and that's weird to me since I have ZERO room in there). I honestly feel really good. This pregnancy, especially the end, has really been so different than the first. Um, the biggest difference being that I have a toddler who keeps me busy. Seriously though, I think that has a great deal to do with how I feel. I have had no choice but to stay busy and it's helped me out a lot. Don't get me wrong... I took an hour nap this afternoon because I needed it, but over all I feel pretty good. There are moments when I feel a little nauseous because of the ZERO room I have in my stomach and of course there are times when I am so HOT it's not even funny... but I'm not complaining. :)

I've got our bags completely packed and ready to head out the door. The house is... well, it's decent. There are things that need to be done but I'm ok if they don't get done. I'm 37 weeks pregnant.. I have a toddler.. and I can't do everything. And I am ok with that. That is a great lesson that I am learning more and more everyday. My house is not a home because the toilets are always scrubbed and the clothes are always neatly put away (not that those aren't important things...). Oh, but as I often say, that is another post.. one that I will probably never get around to! :) On a similar note though my sister is suppose to be coming over soon to help me do some organizing, etc. And that I am very thankful for. She is one of those weirdos that actually enjoys that kind of stuff (totally joking for those of you who are like her!!!!).

Eli is still moving around in there all the time. He is quite the active little fellow! I'm having some Braxton Hicks contractions but nothing painful or even uncomfortable. I feel like a camel because I'm drinking so much water. I know it's good for me and it's what I'm suppose to be doing but it's amazing how much I can drink in one day (and throughout the night). I didn't walk much last week because of the evangelist we had at church but I've picked that back up this week. Most of what I've read say that walking doesn't actually help progress labor much but it does help the baby get in a better position for labor.

At my Dr's apt this past Tuesday, I didn't get much exciting news from my OB except that it's still early and I have plenty of time for things to start happening. If I start to think about it too much I get really nervous and even discouraged. With Luke I really wasn't that nervous at all. I mean, I was going into everything blindly. But with a C/S behind me now, I just have a little more on my mind! God is in control though and I know that. His peace has been my calm and comfort during those moments where I want to start worrying.

Ultimately, I just can't wait for it to all be over and have my sweet little boy home with me. I can't wait for my Luke to meet his baby brother and I can't wait to be a family of four.

And again, I covet your prayers for the delivery of our little one.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Phil. 4:6-7

Funny Friday.. Pregnancy Update

I'm 35 weeks today! 35 days to go! I started packing my hospital bag this week. It's crazy to me that it's already time to start thinking about these kinds of things. Here is my list so far:

Socks (the kind with the rubber stuff on the bottom.. I don't do slippers)
Hair things
Shampoo & Conditioner
Face/Body Wash
Deodorant
Toothpaste
Toothbrush holder
Chapstick (2!! This was so important)
Lotion
Ginormous Pads
Robe
Coming home outfit (which consists of stretchy pants and a tshirt!!)
Undies (for coming home.. I don't think I wore my own much at all while I was there)
Cell Phone Charger
Snacks
Disposable Camera
Reading material
Luke's big brother box
Nursing Bra
List of names and phone numbers for the Hubs
Baby items: A few onesies, socks (for hands, the mittens never worked for us), nail clippers, carseat, baby book for hand/foot prints (I forgot this with Luke!!), boppy

Last minute things to grab:
Make up/Moisturizer
Toothbrush
Digital Camera
Pillow

Am I forgetting anything?? I've made a billion lists out and then I lose them, so I make another one! It seems like a lot on that list! Do I really need it all? Notice there is not a thing on there for the Hubs. Maybe I should pack him some PJ pants just in case. I know he'll be coming home to shower and stuff though... But we got to the hospital at 9am with Luke and he wasn't born until 8:53PM that night.. and of course after we got settled in our room it was late.. and all the Hubs had was his jeans and tshirt... so maybe I should throw him some PJ's in there. Anyway, I'm rambling...

We also set up the cosleeper this week. It's so strange seeing it in our room and I'm having to get use to getting out of bed with it being right there. It's exciting imagining my sweet Eli sleeping in there.. (you are going to SLEEP in there right, Eli??) and remembering when Luke once slept in it. I also found a large bin of Luke's clothes under my bed! Guess what sizes they were? Newborn-3 mths!!! I thought I had gotten rid of them all (or lost them when we moved)! I'm glad to have them now though. It will be fun to put Eli in some of Luke's tiny little things!

Speaking of Luke, he ran another fever last night after being fever-free all day yesterday. I called the nurse again and she said this was typical of the 'fever virus' that is going around. He's still eating and playing like normal though. I was told that it may last 2 or 3 more nights but should be gone by Monday. We're going stir crazy here. I have a child that would live outside if he could! The Hubs took him to the gas station to get gas (and mommy a York Peppermint Patty) just to get out of the house for 10 minutes this morning!

Well, I was just told that Luke stinks.. so duty calls.. :)

First Dr's Visit

So today was my first Dr's visit! I was SO nervous this morning! I know I've done this before but I couldn't help but be nervous! Everything was just fine! We got to see the little blueberry (something I read today said that 'it' was about the size of a blueberry) on the sonor. It just amazes me to see something so small, yet so alive. That little heart was just beating away! And to think that some don't even call that life! Wow.. Anyways, officially, my due date is August 29, 2008. This is going by the measurement on the sonogram, which is the most accurate. Thankfully this time R did not fall in the floor right before they did the sonogram. He actually behaved himself! (Last time he didn't notice that the stool he was about to sit on had WHEELS... so when he sat down.. it flew out from underneath him.) I did have to remind him not to touch a few things. He's just like a kid... wanting to touch everything and mash buttons and switches... He did politely excuse himself for 'the exam' and went out to read his MacArthur commentary.

I went to the Dr about a month ago for a sinus infection and of course, I remembered my weight because I AM A WOMAN. Well, anyways, I have lost 5 lbs since that visit. I was talking to the CNP and she said for my 'size' that was really too much weight to lose. A 1-2 pound loss in a month would be considered 'normal'. So, she suggested ensure... but of course that sounds totally gross to me! I might try it but then again, I might just *try* to eat more too. I'm just having a hard time eating normal size meals... well, really normal types of food. For instance today I've had: A bowl of grits (plain w/ butter), a handful of rice chex cereal, Half of a PB&J sandwich, Chikfila chicken sandwich, a few fries, a lemonade and water.. Actually today was a pretty good day because after the Dr visit I was STARVING, so I ate the whole sandwich and a few fries... which is more than normal. And I will probably have a little bit of something in a little while before bed.. I normally would have had a snack by now but I think since I had such a big meal earlier, I haven't been hungry. Vegetables sound so gross to me right now (I would never admit that to Luke though!) and I normally love them. I did have veggie soup last night but I really had to make myself eat it. Ok, now I'm just rambling....

Anyways, my point is.. everything went great today! I am so thankful!! God is so good and well, even if everything wasn't ok, God would still be so good!